I have a thing for minds. If you have a mind that fascinates me you immediately become more attractive to me, on all levels. When I say mind, it doesn’t always directly relate to intelligence. It could be your thought patterns, the way you process things, the way you do the most minimal tasks and treat them like they’re of the biggest importance. The way people work, that drives me crazy. I often get told I have the worst luck with people, and to some extent I bring that on myself. I seek out the “toxic” people, it’s not usually intentional, but I rarely walk away when I realise what they are. I like to figure people out and those people draw me in. There are three types of people in my life. There are people who meet my mind on almost every level. These people are little in quantity but huge in influence. They are the ones I can’t imagine not knowing, we connect so well, and that doesn’t go away. I wouldn’t want it too either. There are people who go seamlessly through my life and have no real substance, there are a lot of these. They could be people that I just don’t get on with, or can’t seem to connect with, or they could be everyday friends. It’s harsh to say, but I know my life would be just fine without those people in it, and by no means do I want to get rid of any of them - for I believe I will have learnt things about life from them, but they don’t make an overall impact. Then there are those who I don’t or can’t understand. People’s minds that are so opposite to my own that I can’t help but get drawn to them. I need to work out how the cogs turn in their head, how the see the world and why. Some of these people I will never get along with, but sometimes these are my favourite people who teach me the most valuable lessons. I never dismiss anyone, and though I often talk about how much I dislike people, I think I’m very easy to get along with, I just value people with substance. With minds. Minds that tick, turn, create and explode. Minds that inspire me, excite me, make me want to be better. I crave it, and maybe that’s unhealthy but if you have a mind that makes mine work harder, chances are I’ve fallen a little bit in love with you, and my respect for you will never fade.
I’ve come to the conclusion that University isn’t for me. I think I knew it all along (see this post), but I went because I wanted the chance to study something I thought I liked. Turns out, I don’t think journalism is right for me after all. My course is structured to be primarily news related, and my lecturers don’t believe you can succeed on your own. I’ve gotten more shit than anything else for having my own magazine, and I’ve felt like been shoved into a hole that I don’t want to be in.
I’m sitting some exams this week that are an extra diploma and have nothing to do with my degree. We were encouraged to do them, and you have to pass seven to achieve the full diploma. I’ve passed one so far. The three that I have on Monday, Tuesday and Friday I had to pay for, at £128 in total. I’ve tried to revise, but fact is my lecturer wasn’t great and I don’t know anything about the subject.
I’ve been debating about quitting uni for a while, but considering this time next year I’ll be finished, I’m going to stick in with my degree. I’m not looking forward to third year at all, and I won’t be retaking my NCTJs at all. I just can’t wait for it to be all over, but I know when it is, I’ll have a major melt down because I won’t know what to do with my life. I guess I’ll just deal with that when I have too.
Has actually reduced me to this:
I wish I was kidding, but I have been uncontrollably sobbing for twenty minutes, and my head is hurting because of it. This post contains NO SPOILERS.
Literally, Grey’s Anatomy has been my go to thing for the past five years. I started watching it when I was fifteen and was behind a few seasons, I caught up within weeks (depriving myself of sleep, sometimes literally not leaving my bed on certain days to watch it) and now we’re at the end of season 9. I connect with the characters so much, and even though some of my favourites are no longer a part of the show, they have still influenced me. I know this is pathetic, and it sounds stupid. I’m never like this over anything, but literally, Grey’s Anatomy is the only thing that can turn me into a sobbing mess and make me realise that everything is going to be okay all at the same time. I think it’s because in each of the characters, I see a little of myself. I am dark and twisty Meredith, with Christina’s general persona, Izzie’s optimism, George’s friendliness, Alex’s loyalty, Derek’s determination. I could go on, forever literally, but I don’t even know what to do with myself after that ending.
I have an exam in 8 hours and 15 minutes time. This means I have 8 hours and 15 minutes to learn 57 double sided cue cards that I just finished about two hours ago. Hahaha nope. Wondering why I put myself through education. What is my life right now.
I’m having a life crisis, but that’s just how it goes. Holla.
Also, I really love Imagine Dragons.
Operation: Beat Public Affairs starts tomorrow.
Sometimes I get a sudden urge to write something, and then I brush it off. I can’t seem to write anything without hitting the backspace anymore, and everything I do write seems too structured. Too forced. This is one of the first times in a while where I’m just writing, and writing, and writing, and doubting every word. I can’t seem to stop doubting things lately.
My writing, being a main thing. It’s academic and too structured and too forced, also. I can’t seem to create the stories I want to when I put my pen to paper or my fingertips to keys. I see those who give no effort and come out with a masterpiece, yet I try until my head is full of words and nothing comes out. It’s like a constant block. Not even just a writing one, as my writing, is much like my life. Fixed, in one place. Bound by things I have no control over, or I do, and I’m just too scared to take action. I’m going through the motions and I don’t even know what that means anymore. I’m stressing about exams that mean nothing, and a degree that I’ve just lost interest in, though I’m not really sure it was there in the first place.
I read something recently about not being afraid to let the light in, because by trying to block out the dark you’re restricting yourself from the things that are good. It makes me wonder how much good I’ve let go, but how much I’ve protected myself from. I’m always at battle with myself.
I have a constant urge to meet new people. Yet I’m often disappointed when the people I meet are not like I expect. I guess that makes me selfish, but at the same time I guess it’s my own fault for thinking too much about other people. I guess I’m just too structured, too forced, and too doubtful. Maybe it’s about time I become unstuck from the one thing that I have control of, myself.
I don’t get personal on here anymore like I used too, and I want that to change somewhat.
I used to be fearless when it came to declaring my emotions. I would just say it, and if it fucked up, it fucked up. It seemed as though whenever I decided to tell anyone how I felt, whether that be friends or boys, they would seem to instantly (although it never was quite so instant), disappear out of my life. It made me feel so pathetic, and so low, and I always blamed myself, even if it wasn’t my fault anyway. It got to the point where I just decided that I wouldn’t express my feelings anymore - or not to the extent I used too.
If I tell people I love them, I mean it. I don’t have issues with that. The serious conversations about how amazing someone is and how they impact my life - I struggle with that now, and my method is to fall back on humour. If I jokingly say things to people, I can take it back. Erase it and strike it, like it never mattered.
I’m an open book, in the sense that if you want to know something I will tell you. Though, very few people know my heart and I prefer it that way. Though trust me when I say, I’m trying to get back to my old ways a little bit more too. I’m working on expressing myself, every day, and I will get there.
For the time being though, just remember the above. I’m terrible at expressing my feelings, but it’s really not because I don’t have them.
Now that the cover has been launched, I can tell you that the Twenty One Pilots interview is one of my favourite interviews ever.
Shorthand Exam - May 7
Production Exam (module) - May 9
Reporting Exam (module) - May 13
Public Affairs Exam (module) + News & Online Essay + 20 page magazine - May 17
Reporting Exam #2 (NCTJ) - May 20
Public Affairs Exam #2 (NCTJ) - May 21
Production Journalism #2 (NCTJ) - May 24
May 26 + May 27 - Ellie Goulding & Bastille.
Can we just talk about May for a second please? Ugh.